Today was not what I wanted.
I watch all these YouTube videos of talented people living wonderful lives,
with daily routines of writing, working, doing things that seem so lovely and wholesome.
Oh the serotonin that fills my brain to see it.
How come I can’t feel the same way about my own days?
I really shouldn’t worry about it that much now, I am in quarantine, pandemicized as it were.
And it is Winter — a frigid, Winnipeg Winter. No going out into the world for a while.
I want a life that makes me feel all that serotonin, but what if that is not meant for me?
I get tired so very easily — mental illness and a complete lack of endurance.
To have that ideal life I really, really need to try.
My current life routine-type-thing is good, a reasonable amount of life. But there’s not much serotonin.
How do I give that to myself? How do I take joy from the things I do?
My expectations should probably be lower. Acceptance is key — that’s what everyone says — and I might enjoy my life more.
‘Cause there really is so much good in my life.
I need to embrace the independence and absolute dependence of adulthood. I want to feel like the adult I am — I need to let myself be one. But really I am just a child.
Maybe I can reconcile a simple life with general happiness. Factor in independence and good judgment and we are in business.
Being a person is hard — am I even a person yet?
©Abigail Siegel, 2021
This was a short entry from my journal that I turned into this poem/prose type piece. It really is just a journal entry, but it reflects my general mood of this year.